SMS and Jokes Archives

A man phones a lawyer and asks

2009-01-08T23:49:00.000-08:00

A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?" The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars." "A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive, isn't it?" "It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"

Three men are applying for a job at the CIA

2009-01-08T23:39:00.000-08:00

Three men are applying for a job at the CIA. The first is thirty years old married for tens years, the second is forty years old married for twenty years and the third is fifty years old and married for thirty years. The 30 year old is first and is told by the interviewer in order to become a member of the CIA you must take this gun and go into this room and shoot your wife. Well, he comes out of the room a half hour later and gives the man back the gun saying the job wasn't worth it and he just couldn't shoot his wife... The 40 year old is next to take the gun into the room with "his" wife. One hour later he comes out crying, sobbing that he really needs this job, but dammit, I just can't kill my wife. With that he throws the gun on the floor and storms out of the room..... The 50 year old is next. He takes the gun into the room with his wife. After about an hour and a half, all of a sudden there is the sound of six gunshots and then the sound of chairs flying and other loud noises. The man comes out of the room looking like hell. With large scratch marks on his face and chest and barely able to catch his breath. "Well," says the interviewer, "what the hell happened in there?" The man responded, "somebody put blanks in my gun and I had to strangle her to death."

When I was younger

2009-01-08T23:34:00.000-08:00

When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...

it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me,

poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'

They stopped that stuff after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

The Guy and His Best Friend

2009-01-08T23:31:00.001-08:00

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch whiskey. The bartender pours him the drink and says, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?" After downing his drink, the guy says, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend." "Wow" says the bartender, pouring the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house." As the man downs his second triple scotch, the bartender asks him, "What did you do?" The guy says, "I walked over to my wife, looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to get the hell out." The bartender says, "That makes sense -- but what about your best friend?" The guy says, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said... 'BAD DOG!'"

Rooster & cat

2009-01-08T23:24:00.000-08:00

Rooster & cat goin over bridge, cat slips & falls in river.

Rooster cant stop laughin.

wats D moral?

whereva therZ a wet pussy therZ a happy cock

Son on his honeymoon

2009-01-08T23:22:00.000-08:00

Son on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what 2 do.

MOM: Put ur biggest thng on her hairiest thng.

SON: got my nose in her armpit. Now what?

Who is stronger, Man Or Woman?

2009-01-08T23:20:00.000-08:00

Q: Who is stronger, Man Or Woman?

A: A woman bcos she lifts 2 mountains on her chest while a man lifts 2 stones with the help of a crane.

2009-01-08T23:12:00.000-08:00

The sky is blue, grass is green,

harder the fuck the louder the scream,

louder the scream the better the fuck,

give me a ring u might be in luck

Man and His Wife

2009-01-08T23:11:00.000-08:00

Man says to his wife: Let me take a picture of yourbreasts, than I can always look at them.

Wife: Let metake a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged

The "Nipple Song"

2009-01-08T23:09:00.000-08:00

Nipple Nipple dont be far, can I press u in my car.

Upabove the chest so high, always milky never dry.

Letme suck you, dont feel shy.

Girl: I'm like a radio

2009-01-08T23:04:00.000-08:00

Girl: Im like a radio, my mouth spkr,my left breast tuner, right 1 volume.

Man: Can I try?(touches dbreats)-no sound.

Girl:U havent plugged in yet! :D